"Brain Transplantation"

"The average human only uses less than ten percent of his or her brain."
Source: eighth grade student citing something he heard on TV.


I find this fact extraordinarily encouraging.
Encouraging?
Yes, I can hear your questions formulating in your brain
Your mental gears are really quite loud--
in a facial expression sort of way.
Yes, encouraging is the word I used--
And it is most definitely the word I meant.

Since my brain is only using ten percent of itself
(Notice that wonderfully required reflexive pronoun.)
at a time,
this means
[cue the intense hushed tones about to reveal an epiphany]
that I can give away parts of my brain to my students.
I hear your gears churning once again--
Your face is really quite loud--
RELAX!
Remove that Frankensteinesque picture of my classroom from your mind.
(Notice that wonderfully imperative sentence.)
Scalpels--I have none.
Fancy equipment--I have none.
(Especially none designed for the removal of gray matter from my cerebral sphere
and transplantation into my students' cerebral spheres.)
My methodology is really much simpler than that.
(Notice that simplistic declarative sentence.)
I give them my thinking patterns,
My English know-how
Via the highly developed means of words.
Words, words, words!

Ten percent = highly encouraging
Why is that?
(Notice the ever inquisitive interrogative sentence.)
If I give .5 percent (.005) to each class each year--
Once again your facial expressions are a little too loud,
please do not interrupt class so much--
.5 percent is only 3 percent each year
If I divide 90 percent by 3 percent,
I end up with 30 years worth of teaching,
Which should put me at the lovely age of 54
when my brain is gone.
Since I can't retire until I am 56,
that will leave me with exactly two years to be that
quintessential,
truly absent-minded English teacher.

One slight flaw I see--
besides copying the syntax of Yoda I mean--
Once students start taking the information,
they get greedy
and want more and morE and moRE and mORE and MORE!
They take more than I want to give and I find myself
(Notice once again that wonderfully required, reflexive pronoun.)
trying to find the spelling of the word "cruise"
and end up spelling "quiz".

Yes, this brain transplantation process is quite a delicate one,
Requiring more skill and study and practice.
Perhaps I had better quell my loquacity,
Keeping my brain to myself.
But perhaps not.
What else am I going to do with the extra 90%?

Attack of the First Person Personal Pronouns

iThis.
iThat.
Think selfishly.
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Who is u?
Ur not even worth a full word any more.
Think selfishly.
Don't put yourself last.
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Attack of the first person personal pronouns has begun.
Has conquered.
Has won.
i is a much better battle cry than u
All alone.
A l l
a l o n e
Such is my destiny without u you